Dying before you finish living- dead in the water?

Recently, just strolling along through life, I have been confronted with some living case scenarios that caused me pause.  Each of them might have seemed perfectly reasonable on the surface, but something about them seemed counterproductive. In each case, the very thing that someone wanted deep inside was within their reach and they purposed to pull their hand back. To withhold from themselves, what was theirs for the asking. To let their deepest desires die on the vine as they convinced themselves and others, that they were too old, they were too easily disappointed, they were too self- absorbed or they couldn’t find a way to justify what they wanted with the place they found themselves in life.

I met a wonderful 70ish lady, spry and engaging, who obviously loved dogs and was willing to help a veritable stranger look out for her small house dog on a moment’s notice. She was touched by the dog’s dilemma and went so far as staying with the pet in the owner’s home during some unexpected work related travel. As she exclaimed over her new found friend- the four legged one- she reminisced about her own dogs. Two had lived to be 18 years old and her last one died in 2004. Since that time, she had lived in a senior housing complex which allowed the residents there to have small pets in their apartments, but charged a $250 deposit. She sadly stated that she loved dogs,  could easily afford the deposit and wanted one badly, but she couldn’t bring herself to get another dog. What would happen to the dog, if something happened to her? What if she died before another dog died?

Hmmm…..that seems perfectly sensible logic, for an elderly person. But consider this. She used that logic to deprive herself of an obvious pleasure- she really connected with dogs and loved everyone she saw, but didn’t get to spend as much time as she liked with her own pet because she expected to die any day. That was 8 years ago. The dog’s lifespan could be half over by now or hers could have been extended with the unconditional love of an animal- fur therapy- and satisfaction of the companionship of her own choosing.

In a study done by NorthwestUniversityMedialSchool, the researchers interviewed 393 (one per household) representing 559 individuals aged sixty and over, 122 households had pets. There were seventy-three dogs, sixty-one cats, and five other kinds of animals, indicating more multiple pet ownership than in the questionnaire population.

The most frequent response to the conversational question, “Why do you have a pet?” was, “I have always had a pet.” A related response, “I love pets,” was also frequent. Companionship and affection was the next most frequent response. The third most common response, selected by about 20 percent of pet owners, was “It gets me out of the house,” or “It gives me an opportunity to socialize.” Strangely, this response was selected more often by cat owners than dog owners (fifteen compared to seven). One is left to wonder why cat ownership gets the elderly person out of the house, especially in comparison to dog ownership (Smith, David W.E., et, al.).

Loneliness seems to be the most serious condition an elderly person can face.  Love is the most important health attribute we have and pets are one of nature’s best sources of love. Of the many elderly people in our population, they have discovered that pets satisfy their needs and encourage them to hold on to the world of reality, of care, of human labor and sacrifice, and of intense emotional relationships. With a pet, elderly people see themselves as worthwhile and their sense of self is restored and enhanced because the love they give a pet is being given back to them

The benefits of pets appear widely accepted and are thought to include companionship, relaxation, improvement in the quality of life, production of a more-home like environment, increased socialization among people, the ability to combat loneliness, increased feelings of security, and provision of a source of unconditional love and concentrated affection.

Additionally, pets often become a “time clock” for elderly persons who have no immediate obligations or scheduled activities. In one study, dog owners walked significantly longer than non-dog owners.There seems to also be increasing evidence that pets not only improve “quality of life”, but can also improve measurable “quantity of life.” For example, research studies have reported a marked reduction in risk factors of cardiovascular disease in groups of pet owners, compared to elderly persons with no pet. In another study, pet owners had significantly lower serum triglyceride levels (Likourezos, Antonios, et. al.).

http://www.petsincondos.org/PetCompanionshipForElderly.htm 

Another recent scenario is sadder still. A mid-life intelligent gentleman, well traveled and well spoken, expressed a strong desire for an honest, kindhearted and likeminded woman to spend the rest of his life with. In his quest, he was quick to judge and castigate a woman who was almost a verbatim incarnation of his “list” of qualities. How did he treat this woman? He was not kind, he was not fair and he was not straightforward. It was ironic to watch him display the opposite of all the qualities he was so sure he valued. When a person cannot discern the part they play or see what is before them, due to their own impatience and preconceived notions, something may have died inside and they are truly “dead in the water”.  What does “dead in the water” really mean?

If something is dead in the water, it isn’t going anywhere or making any progress, defined as dead in the water – unsuccessful, and with little hope of future success. Yes, that definitely sums up his position. To describe in the “nth” degree, all the detail you wish for and then reject it out of hand and assign the person with negative attributes that are not validated by time and observation is the quickest way to “little hope of future success”. We all understand when a person may be “once bitten, twice shy”.

 

“Meditation is not for the faint-hearted nor for those who routinely avoid the whispered longings of their own hearts.” Jon Kabat-Zinn is convinced that the source of much of the stress and dis-ease of our times results from people’s inability to live in the present moment. As Buddhists point out, another source of restlessness is the stories we spin that distance us from what is actually happening right in front of us. In the eight sections of this ambitious work, one of the pioneers of mind-body medicine shares the riches that accrue to those who cultivate mindful awareness.

Whether we are politicians or simply citizens, practice can mean allowing ourselves tiny little tastes of presence and goodness; sampling such moments many times over, and so coming to know the taste of inward clarity and peace. We can build on our experience by staying in touch with the present moment and not losing our minds in the face of the challenges and opportunities we face.

An Excerpt from Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn

 Separating ourselves from something we can see – as if over a self constructed fence- will not stop us from wanting it. It just stops us from having it.

The last case scenario was a man who found himself in his late 50’s, looking back on his life and not liking what he saw. He seized on two statements he had made, across his entire adult life and repeated them, despite the best efforts of friends and professionals, until they came true. What were those two statements? As a recovering alcoholic, he told everyone he knew, ” I asked God, when I stopped drinking ( decades earlier) to take me if I ever started back”. His other statement related to some dysfunctional family dynamics, property settlements and his unresolved feelings that he had lost his birthright due to the untimely death of his father without a will. He often repeated, “none of the men in the Jones Family have ever lived past 60”, so he internalized this expectation that he would not live to his 60th birthday. Just days before celebrating his 27th year of sobriety two months before his 60th birthday, he started drinking. An alcoholic never starts back at -0-. They start where they stopped drinking, so he consumed large quantities. Interventions by friends, family, professionals, including extended supervised stays at their homes and a two week admission to a substance abuse facilty ended in the same response. Bashful promises that “he’d be ok” and “not to worry” were followed by more drinking.  He was found unresponsive and pronounced dead less than a week before his 60th birthday, in the home of someone he would never have chosen to spend time with, before he convinced himself that he had already died in what mattered. His children, friends, sisters, brothers, aunts, friends, grandchildren and community lost him when he checked out- months, maybe years, before he actually died that day. He was an avid softball coach and would have rejected the same spirit in any of his players or teams.

There is some value to “dying to self”, but we don’t get extra points for giving up and for all intents and purposes, “dying” while there is so much life left to live. Stay in the game, til its over.

As Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” In July 1973, when Berra’s Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East; the Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.

And, “you can observe a lot by watching”.

http://www.yogiberra.com/yogi-isms.html