Has anyone ever listened to Delilah, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, or any talk radio or talk show that focuses on conflict resolution or finding middle ground for different views of the same event? It seems to always come down to a “he” version and a “she” version. Who remembers “Can this Marriage be Saved?” As a teenager, I used to puzzle over these stories with different viewpoints of the same situation in the Ladies Home Journal magazine. It’s probably not a surprise that these are available on the web. Check out  http://www.lhj.com/relationships/can-this-marriage-be-saved/unsolvable-conflicts/  The list is long and varied, on the “unsolvable conflicts”.

We all remember the frenzy over “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, by John Gray. Why do you think there was such a coffee table discussion underway then? Because , “we knew it”. We already knew what he wrote. It was an “ah hah” moment.

On January 4, 2012, a team of researchers led by Marco Del Giudice in Italy published detailed research in, The Distance Between Mars and Venus: Measuring Global Sex Differences in Personality. They looked further than the surface – obviously there are physical and genetic differences between the sexes. Everyone accepts there are familial and socialized differences. Now, we can see in black and white: why the same events are experienced differently. They measured men and women on a set of scales and guess what- they weighed in differently.

15 personality scales: Warmth (reserved vs. warm), Emotional Stability (reactive vs. emotionally stable), Dominance (deferential vs. dominant), Liveliness (serious vs. lively), Rule-Consciousness (expedient vs. rule-conscious), Social Boldness (shy vs. socially bold), Sensitivity (utilitarian vs. sensitive), Vigilance (trusting vs. vigilant), Abstractness (grounded vs. abstracted), Privateness (forthright vs. private), Apprehension (self-assured vs. apprehensive), Openness to Change (traditional vs. open to change), Self-Reliance (group-oriented vs. self-reliant), Perfectionism (tolerates disorder vs. perfectionistic), and Tension (relaxed vs. tense). The 15 primary scales can be further organized into 5 global scales: Extraversion (Warmth, Liveliness, Social Boldness, Privateness, and Self-Reliance), Anxiety (Emotional Stability, Vigilance, Apprehension, and Tension), Tough-Mindedness (Warmth, Sensitivity, Abstractedness, and Openness to Change), Independence (Dominance, Social Boldness, Vigilance, and Openness to Change) and Self-Control (Liveliness, Rule-Consciousness, and Perfectionism).

 “It is difficult to overstate the ….practical importance of sex differences in personality; finding large overall differences would tell us that the sexes differ broadly…” …. concluding, ” we believe we made it clear that the true extent of sex differences in human personality has been consistently underestimated”…” the pattern… may help elucidate the meaning… of …. “masculinity-femininity”.

http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0029265

Delilah has collected a million different case scenarios in response to her radio broadcast that croons “love someone tonight”. She is the “queen of sappy love songs” and who doesn’t appreciate her warm and winsome replies to her listeners? Besides, she picks the best songs for the occasion!! She has posted “Delilah’s Dilemmas” on her website, www.delilah.com . She reads these letters on the radio show and then responds with her viewpoint.

Surely, I am not the only one who has ever listened to a “play by play recount” or frank and honest recollection, that showed us very clearly that a mutual event or common experience was totally different for each half of a male-female combo.

Men and women have been trying to understand this difference since the beginning of time. Why shouldn’t we keep looking? Or trying to understand? Our differences make us the desirable “other half”!

So, when you are in the midst of an experience- in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex- take a minute and ask them what’s happening in their psyche- head, heart, soul. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you knew in realtime, what this ( whatever it is for each of you) will really be logged as, in the eternal memory.

Assuming that surely, two people eye to eye, side by side, talking and texting, MUST be having the same experience underestimates the innate differences in men and women. You might be doing a double take later, if you’re not in tune with what’s really happening in the other person in the “here and now”.  We are the “sum of our lived experiences”.

“Our lives are a sum total of the choices we have made.” Wayne Dyer

The differences between women and men are not only well-documented, but frequently are found at the heart of jokes, anecdotes, and good-natured (and not so good-natured) ribbing. Experts have discovered that there are actually differences in the way women’s and men’s brains are structured and in the way they react to events and stimuli. So the next time your wife, boyfriend, or parent starts telling you how you should have done something differently, then refer back to these big differences between men’s and women’s brains. Amber Hensley    http://www.mastersofhealthcare.com/blog/2009/06/

Open exploration may feel as unenviable as being “the canary in a coal mine”.

First to fall over when the atmosphere
is less than perfect
Your sensibilities are shaken by the slightest defect
You live your life like a canary in a coalmine
You get so dizzy even walking in a straight line

You say you want to spend the winter in Firenza
You’re so afraid to catch a dose of influenza
You live your life like a canary in a coalmine
You get so dizzy even walking in a straight line

Canary in a coalmine
Canary in a coalmine
Canary in a coalmine

Now if I tell you that you suffer from delusions
You pay your analyst to reach the same conclusions
You live your life like a canary in a coalmine
You get so dizzy even walking in a straight line

Canary in a coalmine
Canary in a coalmine
Canary in a coalmine

Canary in a coalmine written by Sting for POLICE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7lDY-s24g&feature=related

Life for an actual canary in a coal mine could be described in three words – short but meaningful. Early coal mines did not feature ventilation systems, so miners would routinely bring a caged canary into new coal seams. Canaries are especially sensitive to methane and carbon monoxide, which made them ideal for detecting any dangerous gas build-ups. As long as the bird kept singing, the miners knew their air supply was safe. A dead canary signaled an immediate evacuation.

Today, the practice of using a bird to test the air supply has become part of coal mining lore, but the ideology behind it has become a popular expression. The phrase living like a canary in a coal mine often refers to serving as a warning to others. The actual canary had little control over its fate, but it continued to sing anyway.

In one sense, living this way indicates a willingness to experience life’s dangers without compromise.

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-canary-in-a-coal-mine.htm

Don’t ignore the danger of misinterpreting important events and find yourself or your dearest one recalling totally different experiences. It separates us more than any inherent differences.

Remember: only the canary had the abililty to be aware of the danger and react instinctively.

Do you honestly need a real canary, when you can hear the singing and know where the danger lies? He is who he is, he’s told you. She is who she is, she’s told you. There are volumes written on the different ways we experience life and how we engage with each other.

Listen and enjoy mutual experiences -that you can both be confident will be recollected in years to come- almost verbatim.  Live in real time connection.