Finding one true love
Trust your hunches. They’re usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.– Dr. Joyce Brothers
What is a true soulmate? What makes a great life partner? What kind of forever- one true love- relationship have you envisioned for yourself? Has that vision been with you since you were a child, a teenager, a young professional, maybe even all your life? Is it the same post heartbreak, post death, post disappointment or did it change as you changed? What does it look like? What does this person you yearn for have that others in your life don’t? What are you going to find?
Who is it?
Well, we could wait patiently and just expect a miracle- the skies could open up and rain goodness from the open windows of heaven. I have been told, I fell from the sky- appeared out of nowhere and was an unexpected good find- but I am pretty sure, I was not “the one”.
There are many schools of thought and one set of premises suggests the responsibility rests squarely on our shoulders and we can make a choice to change. Calling in The One- 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life is a uniquely powerful approach to finding love.
There are options and different approaches for educated decisions.
http://www.seasonedandsingle.com/book.html
Premise #1 Life is a creative process, and our thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, choices, actions and words are the tools that we use to invent our experiences and our circumstances.
Premise #2 We have the ability to create circumstances and opportunities in our lives by setting clear intentions and by commiting to and living in alignment with these intentions.
Premise #3 When you alter your relationship with yourself, your external world will alter accordingly.
Life consists of what a person is thinking about all day. Ralph Waldo Emerson
It does seem that each person creates the framework or potential for a vortex of magical feelings that an unsuspecting person just sort of steps into- either being carried away or blown away. There is a school of thought that true love must be one part intoxication and one part logical choice. I am not sure how those two ingredients can exist in the same carafe, but I have many friends who will wait til the end of their lives to find this potion. Think about the term limerance and the concept of new relationship energy (NRE).
Limerence, a state of intense romantic desire which can vary from longing to intense joy or despair, and conveys the sense of infatuation and unreason, was described by Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence. While NRE is described in published accounts as mostly positive and enjoyable feelings which people are reluctant to see fade, limerence is described by Tennov in her book as a generally unpleasant oscillation of misery and intoxication whose sufferers wish to be rid of. NRE is often functional in establishing intimacy and emotional bonds, while limerence is seen as dysfunctional and without value. NRE almost always occurs to a significant degree in sexual or romantic relationships, while significant limerence is experienced in only a minority of relationships. Perhaps the most striking contrast is that Tennov describes limerence as an essentially unilateral feeling fueled by secrecy and uncertainty and which in all but a few pathological cases dissipates as soon as mutuality of feelings or lack thereof is established. By contrast, NRE is usually mutual and thrives on reciprocation. Limerence also carries no implication of contrast to longer established relationships.One way to integrate the concepts of limerence and NRE is to observe that in some cases the earliest stages of NRE, before mutuality of feelings is established, can exhibit a more transient and unstable limerence phase. ( courtesy of Frank)
How do you know whether your heart thumps for true love, or you’re hopelessly suffering from the limerence that Tennov describes? Here are some signs to help you spot the difference:Quoted directly from an article by Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D.
1. Love supports your personal happiness and sets the stage for you to connect with someone who is similarly at peace. Limerenceseeks control over your partner in an attempt to make this person dependent on you.
2. Love means give-and-take between two people exists. Limerenceconnotes an unrequited infatuation by just one individual. When those feelings are not returned, some people become self-destructive. One woman described her limerent feelings as “insanely mad,” leading her to thoughts of suicide.
3. Love consists of a healthy non-attachment wherein two people pursue their own rich interests and then reunite to share their experiences with each other. In The Path to Love, Deepak Chopra makes these distinctions: “Non-attachment” is a state of freedom that shows caring; the more non-attached someone is, the more that person can love another. (This contrasts with “detachment,” which implies indifference.) Limerenceexhibits an overwhelming sense of “attachment,” which Chopra calls a form of dependency. Yet, according to Fisher, in early love, that dependent connection is a common one.
4. Love means honest communication between two people. Limerence involves game-playing and manipulation. Ursula used the stalking game to try and grab the attention of her L.O.s — which, as she learned, is an unreliable means of securing love.
5. Love involves flexible gender roles that may be contrary to male and female stereotypes. Limerence upholds the antiquated roles of feeble, swooning women and aggressive macho men.
6. Love involves having healthy sexual closeness and physical intimacy with your partner. Limerence omits any sexual fantasies, because its prime goal is to attract the L.O.’s attention and nothing more.
7. Love is a true partnership in which each person supports the other. Limerence positions someone to become a crush’s savior. The aim is to become the hero or heroine for which the L.O. will be eternally grateful, then granting that partner the ultimate reward of you sticking around afterward.
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., has a private practice and is an associate professor at Mercy College in New York. http://www.drgilda.com/
Then, there are those who are less fanciful and romantic. Deliberate decisions that seem to come out of nowhere were probably choices made long ago.
Women are like bombs. They each come with a fuse of a certain length, and once that fuse is up, they marry the guy standing closest to them. Mr. Right Now always trumps Mr. Right where punctuality is the issue. Everyone knows of situations where the biological clock, or family expectations or family name or sibling rivalry or feeling left out or a certain birthday or some other unknown trigger sets off a quick decision based on little more than what seems to be a good enough fit- for the purposes at hand. It was a course of action set in motion by weighing the options and coming up with a plan that was methodical, perhaps even cool and calculated.
One Promise Too Late
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. Joseph Campbell
One of the bravest things you can do is let go of something you thought was important to create room for something better. This is hard because at first you can’t clearly see the trade-off. You might have to give up the security of a relationship or even a belief about why you are not in the “one true love” kind of relationship. You may hang on to certain people (family, friends, contacts, etc.) because they are there, not because they bring you anything of value. Letting go of the mediocre (or even the bad!) creates room for the extraordinary. Some people subscribe to “better the Devil you know, than the Devil you don’t know”. I bet you already know what or who to let go of, you’re just afraid to do it. Guilts and fears lock us in a prison of our own making and fuel self destructive behaviors that temporarily silence the yearning of the heart.
You can’t steal second if you won’t take your foot off first. You can’t know for certain what the outcome will be, but if you don’t take the chance, you give up your chance. Move!! Take action!! Be brave~be fearless.
Success is more a function of consistent common sense than it is of genius. – An Wang.
Where does common sense fit in here? Common sense…hmmm….what is that?
Merriam Webster describes it as “sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts”
Think how much more likely we’d find what we are looking for, if we looked with our whole self? The first place to look is within. Look at your beliefs and your choices. Then, use your common sense.Treat other people the way you would like to be treated. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Live in integrity. Be the kind of person you’d like to spend your life with. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Someone who lied to you yesterday will probably lie to you today. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. When we cast common sense to the wind – believing those who have repeatedly lied to us can be trusted, believing that remaining alone is better than choosing to be with someone, believing that we couldn’t have more than one soulful meaningful relationship in our lifetime- we limit our chance of being in a truly loving relationship. Fire up your good old common sense – you might be amazed where it will take you and who you will find there.
A warm fire is waiting.
A warm fire is waiting.The truth is a rare and precious jewel.
Trust and respect are soothing to the soul and
nourishing to the heart. Listen to yours!!