speechless

Have you ever felt “speechless”?

Webster defines it as: unable to speak because of anger, surprise, etc.,

not capable of being expressed in words

Oftentimes, in a natural setting. With a beautiful sunrise or out sailing or watching birds.

Rarely, with another person, in day to day activities of life.

I have hardly EVER been speechless. Or asked to be speechless. They are almost the same thing. When something occurs that you have nothing to say, it’s not hard to comply when asked to say nothing at all.

There have been about two times that I recall, maybe three, when I felt this way.

Stunned. Motionless. Overwhelmed. Unsure. Totally out of my league.

Incapable of saying anything or moving your lips. That’s serious and unfamiliar territory.

When were those three times?

Once, when I was counseling a young woman about birth control at a doctor’s office, she asked me what I thought about her husband’s request to allow another person to join them in the bedroom. I still don’t know what to say. If you are taught to be neutral, but you can’t even find neutral to form a response, you just defer. Or Refer. That’s what I did! I referred her to a colleague, since it was “out of my jurisdiction” and I knew I was over my head. Speechless.

The next time was when I was being regaled with all my faults, when just days before I had been perfect. It didn’t really come out of the blue. These were things that I had withheld from someone very close to me. When he was made aware of them by a “friend” of his who didn’t particularly like me, they sounded so awful. They weren’t that unusual, but when a person has been blindsided and surprised by someone they trusted to be transparent, they can say some pretty hurtful things. I was shocked, saddened, guilty, stunned into total silence. What could I say? I should have said whatever I would say, already. It was too little, too late. All I could do was watch the emotions cross his face and wish so hard, that I had been able to discuss this before he heard it somewhere else.  Of course, I couldn’t talk about it then, anymore than I could talk about it before. So, I didn’t. I acknowledged the feelings and listened. There was nothing else to be said. Speechless.

The last time was the most disturbing. I met a person who had great conversational skills, qualities that I admired and seemed to be in the same life stage as myself. I knew there had been some recent changes in their life and figured it was just normal adjustments that they were dealing with. I noticed that although they were active and engaged with others, they had a lonely, faraway quality. It seemed odd. So, my imagination ran wild. I imagined all kinds of things. Maybe, they were in the witness protection program? Maybe, they were in the closet? Maybe, they had a medical condition and recently found out? Maybe, they were in the midst of a mid-life crisis?

It was the variableness in behavior that was most puzzling. As I am prone to do, I was enjoying myself in their company and prattling along, when they seemed unusually quiet. The last thing I recall being discussed was “grandparenthood” and how would they respond to it. Then, it was like a sheet of ice washed over them and they were frozen in place.  I was exploring, like I do and meant no harm. They knew that I had no understanding of their background. In fact, they said, ” you don’t know my family, so you wouldn’t understand”. I doubt my daughter will ever have children and apologized for not being in a talkative mood. It was the little half sentences and obvious distress that stopped me. I had no warning or inkling of what would come next. Out of the blue, they said, “My son died” and I can’t talk about it. Please don’t ask me to.

What could anyone say then? I couldn’t think of anything. I was stunned into silence- speechless. After a few moments, all I could say was “I’m sorry”.  And, truly, I was.

Have you noticed that we all stop dead in our tracks and are without words when something profound happens? Why do we prattle on about things, when we have no idea what another person is living with or how they are responding to our words? It is common to say when we are at funerals, ” I don’t know what to say”. And, honestly, we don’t. We say the same things over and over, but they just fill a space that we don’t know what to do with. The person who is suffering probably doesn’t hear a word or maybe they do. I think that heightened emotions make us remember every word.

So, maybe – being speechless is a good thing. Perhaps, we should take a leaf out of my friend’s book who is selective and minimalistic in his words. If you ask him something that has several choices, he says “yes”. If you ask him something that he doesn’t want to do , he says “no”. If you need to talk, he can listen, but when he reaches his limit he asks- “are you done now”- ” have you got it out”? If he has something he finds interesting, he shares it. It is rare to have any kind of retro- look back. He does not discuss the past in any detail. He is not withholding information, particularly, as much as he is using his words carefully. He has a “filter” that all words must pass through before leaving his lips.

Is that the same as being speechless? Yes, the other definition is “not speaking- silent”.

Being silent seems to be unengaged. Perhaps, its the opposite. Being engaged enough to understand the unspoken? Consider it. We choose every word we speak. It’s a conscious decision or an unconscious response. Either way, we are responsible.